It’s time. This is President Barack Obama’s last State of the Union Address. According to the White House, not only will this be the shortest SOTU address from President Obama, but it will also be the shortest address in 25 years-and that’s probably because, as most of you know, President Obama has insufficient f*cks to give.
Now that’s not to say that he doesn’t care about this country and the people in it, because he absolutely does. But it’s become more and more apparent over the years that his naysayers have really become a non-f*cking-factor for him. He just doesn’t care anymore.
And that’s absolutely fine, because given all that Barry O has had to endure over the last 8 years, it’s fair to say that he deserves to be a little carefree.
This year’s SOTU is gonna be a doozy. “Untraditional”, the White House is calling it. Lawmakers have been encouraged to bring friends and associates of the Muslim faith as an act of solidarity, in response to widespread anti-Muslim ideology following the attack in San Bernardino. Beside the First Lady, there will be an empty seat to represent those who have been victims of gun violence, who have lost their voice, and are now counting on us to make sure they are heard. The First Lady will also be accompanied by a Syrian refugee by the name of Refaai Hamo. The White House got wind of his remarkable story via a popular blog called “Humans of New York”. In addition, the lead plaintiff in the landmark Supreme Court case recognizing gay marriage and a representative of the so-called DREAMers, young people who were brought illegally to the United States as children will be in attendance. The presence of each person is intended to make a point, and of course, if their presence DOESN’T make a point, it will surely create a buzz.
— The White House (@WhiteHouse) January 11, 2016
Now, I know everybody is waiting to see exactly what tricks the President has up his sleeve tonight. But since all we can do is speculate right now, here are 10 things I hope happen during Obama’s final State of the Union address.
1. I hope the President enters the chamber with Kendrick Lamar’s “We Gon Be Alright” blasting in the background. And I hope his collar is popped. And I hope an image of him is projected onto the chamber walls, flying in the air with a basketball in his hand like Michael Jordan. And then I hope they show a clip of him crossing someone up on the basketball court (that was originally a tennis court) that he had installed at the White House the first year of his Presidency. That would be legendary.
2. I hope Michelle Obama SLAYS us with one of her much talked about fashions. And I know it’s mid January, but I pray she takes advantage of her constitutional right to bear (her) arms and gives these tight-lipped, gray haired, pot bellied Republicans something to talk about. In the picture below, she’s basically saying, “Clap for me.”
And before she takes her seat, I hope she does this-
3. I hope Joe Biden arrives to the party like this-
Then I hope every time President Obama makes a valid point, he does this-
4. I hope President Obama tells his haters to “check my resume.”
Just in case you wanted to review SOME of Obama’s resume, click here.
5. I hope President Obama calls Rand Paul the failure that he is.
Why, you ask? Well Rand Paul says he’d like to see President Obama announce in the State of the Union that HE’S a failure and then resign, leaving the White House early. Well, Rand-what kind of name is that, by the way-did we forget how much of a FAILURE your campaign was?
Via The Daily Beast-
Noting Paul’s collapse, FiveThirtyEight asked, “What’s Wrong With Rand Paul’s Campaign?” The answer, writer Harry Enten concluded, was that Paul had faded from the headlines and, simultaneously, his favorability among Republicans had declined.But that’s more of a symptom than the cause of the cancer on Paul’s candidacy. The root of the decay is this: As Rand Paul has campaigned, it has become increasingly evident that he is not the candidate his supporters were promised he would be–a more electable version of his father. And the candidate he did turn out to be is not interesting or authentic enough to stand out from the 20,000 other Republicans seeking the nomination. Paul, previously “the most interesting man in politics,” is now just scenery.
Scenery. You’ve been described as “scenery” in a major publication…and oh yea, you’ll never be President. Run along now.
6. Then I hope Jill and Michelle ke-ke it up like two school girls when the President comes with the punchline about how Rand Paul is too dumb to be President. I also wouldn’t mind a sister girl high-five, if we’re being truthful, here.
7. I hope that when the President is heckled–remember Rep. Joe Wilson?–he pulls this move-
8. I hope he says, “Black Lives Matter.”
During his tenure, Obama has gotten a lot of backlash from Black people for not saying things they think he should have said in response to police brutality. Basically people want him to scream “Black Lives Matter”, and declare that the system is fucked up, racist, and has blood all over its hands. Unfortunately, he can’t do that-for obvious reasons. But we all know he wants to. This is his chance.
9. I hope Ruth Bader Ginsburg is there in all her glory, tipsy off the wine. (This was her at the last SOTU) And I hope when she wakes up from her Barefoot sponsored nap, she stands up and shouts, “Keep it REAL, Barry!” and quickly falls back into her slumber.
10. I hope Obama wears a dashiki from the Motherland. Preferably some garb from Kenya, where his father’s from. Yea, that would definitely set the mood.
Bonus- And last but not least, since Paul Ryan, the perpetual puppy face will be taking John Boehner, the perpetual crier’s place, when President Obama finally finishes his speech, I hope he turns around, and tells Paul Ryan to wipe that smug look off of his face, and then drops the mic.
Because we’re all ’bout tired of seeing it. It’s pathetic.
And then I want Obama to point to the DJ, cue Frank Sinatra’s “I Did it My Way” and walk the hell off with Michelle in tow. You can meet them at the after party, if not, stay your ass in the chamber.
Thank you Mr. President for your service. The SOTU airs tonight at 9PM. Will you be watching?