Chrisette Michele said it best in her song “Porcelain Doll”
If you want to cradle me like a little girl
And lock me down
I’m not your possession
I’m a full grown woman I am not your porcelain doll
You know, time and time again, (especially in the age of social media where people are allowed to express themselves with little to no boundaries), I find out just how much of a patriarchal society this really is. Paternal. Misogynistic. Sexist.
I think there’s a common misconception amongst men that they OWN the women they date, have sex with, or marry. And I’m here to let you know that couldn’t be further from the truth. You see, when you’re dating someone, marry someone, or even screwing someone, it’s a mutual thing. There’s a mutual affinity, there should be a mutual understanding, and a part of that understanding should be that nobody is here against their will. As grown ass people, we’ve decided to deal with each other, and we understand the consequences of our actions. With that being said, I think it’s important for men to understand something: Women aren’t their play things. And we aren’t stupid. (Most of us)
You see, women aren’t little porcelain dolls that you get to tell how to dress, what to say, what to do, where to go, and who to fuck. We aren’t unrealistic cookie cutter blow up dolls who lie around all day with our mouths open, waiting for you to pick us up off the shelf. We’re living, breathing people with thoughts, feelings, wants and needs. We’re human.
It’s become more and more clear to me that women who simply choose to be human are often ostracized and degraded by men. Any woman who dares to wear a mini skirt, dares to have sex with more than 3 men in her lifetime, says a few curse words every now and again, or possibly even works in the strip club has been deemed a “ho”, or unworthy of love.
I came across a clip of Wendy Williams saying that Rihanna is the kind of girl, you “hit and quit.” She went on to make the argument that Rihanna wasn’t “wifey material” and that any man who DID decide to stick her, better hurry to the closest CVS and fill a prescription for penicillin. To that, I say “No.” (And ewww)
You see, it’s not only MEN who can be patriarchal, sexist, woman hating assholes…women can too. I see it all the time. The constant tweets about how women can’t do what men do when it comes to sex, when it comes to what kind of liquor you should drink, what kind of music you listen to, etc. My question is, “Why not?” And “according to who?” YOU? Then my next question is, “Who the fuck are you?” And who are YOU to define what “wifey material” is?
Now don’t get me wrong. I get it. I know everybody has their own set of values. And that’s cool. But that’s just it, they’re YOURS. What works for me, might not work for you, boo. But don’t make broad generalizations. Just focus on what YOU’RE looking for in a woman.
For example, Kim K is supposedly one of the biggest “hos” of our generation. But guess what? Kanye “wifed” her. He saw something in her that he loved. She makes him happy. Shit is working for THEM. (And he’s also proving that he’s not a little ass boy with a small penis, who lives to gain the approval of his peers, but I digress). Then there are those women who are seemingly the perfect combination of what a woman should be…and they aren’t wives at all. The point is, if you meet someone, and you love them, and the chemistry is there…DO it. Stop getting caught up in whether or not society thinks they should be your girlfriend or not. What is this, middle school?
I think the biggest problem I have with this is the men who spend time on Twitter ranting about how they would never “wife” a “ho” have been with plenty of women, done plenty of things, and would catch fire if they stepped foot in a church. Are THEY damaged goods? Is a woman supposed to love YOU after you’ve finished living YOUR life to the fullest? If so, why? What makes you worthy? The fact that you have a penis between your legs?
Here’s the thing. When you meet a woman, she is who she is. Take it or leave it. But what you shouldn’t do is try to make her conform to society’s standards so you can feel better about yourself. That’s not how this shit works. And for Christ’s sake, don’t pretend that she’s a piece of shit for not living up to the bullshit standards that have been put in place by men all over the world. That’s not her burden to bear. She’s still perfectly capable of being loved and loving someone in return.
Here’s the thing about farity tales: They’re lies. No one is perfect. There’s no such thing as a Prince Charming, and there’s no such thing as a perfect Princess. There’s only human beings. Flesh and blood. Life comes at you fast, and none of us ALWAYS make the best decisions. That would be impossible. But women should have room to grow and learn just like men. They should be able to live their lives to the beat of their own drums without the fun police swooping down and telling them about how they’re not “wifey material.” Because I got news for you boys…if women held you to the same standards, many of you wouldn’t be “hubby material”, and on some real shit…most of us would never get married. And that’s a fact, Jack. So my advice is this: When it’s time to settle down, do. Until then, live your life, and don’t let these people try to “put you in your place.” I’m not saying you have to go suck and fuck everybody, drink until you pass out, or set anything on fire. That’s not the message here. But what I AM saying is, don’t let anyone make you feel like sh*t for being human. Because…aren’t we all?
This piece was written by me, but originally appeared on Unkut Dope