Well I’ll be damned. Just when I thought I’d heard it all this week, I get wind of this. It’s been reported that a Kenyan man by the name of Felix Kiprono wants to take 16-year old Malia’s hand in marriage. Luckily, Malia’s potential suitor is generous, and is willing to cough up 70 sheep, 50 cows and 30 goats for her under-aged hand.
According to the Washington Times, Kiprono is a lawyer who says he started to take interest in Malia back in 2008…which is a little (a lot) creepy considering she was 10.
“I am currently drafting a letter to Obama asking him to please have Malia accompany him for this trip,” he said.
Nice. And I’m writing a letter to Santa to ask for a unicorn.
“If my request is granted, (IT WON’T BE) I will not resort to the cliché of popping champagne. Instead, I will surprise her with mursik, the traditional Kalenjin sour milk. As an indication that she is my queen, I will tie sinendet, which is a sacred plant, around her head,” he said.
He also went on to say that he’d teach Malia how to milk a cow…as if she’d ever want to milk a damn cow after drinking pre-packaged milk from the grocery store in the White House…AT THE KITCHEN TABLE all her damn life.
This story is too much for me. I can’t. But before I go, here’s some advice sir: Aim lower. Your standards are way too high. I’m sure there’s some American girl that would be willing to marry you in exchange for some livestock. It’s possible. Just not Malia Obama. K? Reconsider what you’re doing. Go back to the drawing board, and let us know what you come up with.