In case you missed, it last night, Comedy Central aired the most watched celebrity roast in all of celebrity roast history. This isn’t really surprising considering the victim (Justin Beiber), and of course, there’s Kevin Hart, who’s beginning to feel like a close family member, we see him so much. There’s also the hard truth that people just reeaaallly wanted to see Justin Bieber get his ass handed to him. It’s been a long time coming. The Roast, which I am almost positive is a huge publicity stunt, and a part of Bieber’s “Apology Tour”, was cut throat, ruthless, and downright funny.
On the panel, we had Snoop Dogg, Shaquille O’Neal, Marthat Stewart, Hannibal Buress, Pete Davison, Ludacris, Natasha Leggero, Chris D’Elia, and Jeff Ross. Though there were many lines from the night that had me hunched over with laughter, here are my top 10 favorite quotes from the night.
1. “You act like so much of a p*ssy that Ellen tried to eat you.” -Ludacris
2. “Kevin, you look like somebody put 50 Cent in the dryer.” -Natasha Leggero
3. “Martha, put your ankle bracelet on vibrate.” – Kevin Hart
4. “You make headphones nobody listens with, Hennessy nobody drinks, and music nobody listens to. You’re like a human going out of business sale.” (To Ludacris) – Chris D’Elia
5. “Snoop made a reggae album. If you’re a rap fan, you probably don’t have it. If you’re a reggae fan, I know you don’t f*ckin’ have it.” – Shaquille O’Neal
6. “Shaq’s fingers are so big, when he texts, it’s the whole alphabet at the same damn time.” -Ludacris
7.”You look like Sisqo fucked Peter Pan and then got cast on Orange Is the New Black.” (To Bieber) -Jeff Ross
8.”Kevin Hart does all of his own stunts. He climbs into his own chair, he climbs out of his own tub…he goes up on his wife…” – Natasha Leggero
9.”You are literally a guy who has it all. Except for respect, love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy.” – Chris D’Elia
10.“You’re a smart man with a good heart, and I know you’ll never wind up like Kurt Cobain or Amy Winehouse. Respected.”-Jeff Ross